Even if it feels impossible, it's not | Elin Härkönens blogg

People often tell me how STRONG I am. They say they are amazed by the control I have and what I am able to do with my body.... It's flattering to hear, THANK YOU, thank you THANK YOU!! But I just want to say it has not always been that way. I have not got it for free, even if some people make it sound that way. I hope this blog post will put your hopes up... Cause I know change is possible.

Yesterday I found some old photos from my time at the Rehab Centre in Germany. Berufsgenossenschaftliches Unfallkrankenhaus Hamburg Sportkompetenz Netwerk. I had almost forgot how difficult and challenging it was to do these exercises.... My body was not used to move at all. Just sitting upright and hold my neck in the right place, was a challenge. All my muscles were gone. They where trying to teach me to walk OVER this..... something that doesn't look too difficult right? My brain said, JUST DO IT, but it was like my body didn't remember how to... But with the best support and my strong mindset did I eventually managed without loosing my balance. Tiny me, wanting to progress after some time at the centre.... It was almost humiliating .... that something that used to be so easy, could be so challenging and difficult to do. Tears? YES A LOT OF THEM. I needed to work a lot mentally during this period. I was so THANKFUL that I could move at all but on the same time so frustrated that my body didn't do what my brain told it to do.. I needed to work a lot with acceptance . The physio needed to stop be many times from moving too fast forward, cause it was really critical stage at this time and I was NOT allowed to fall. Not the easiest to stop an Elite Athlete from taking the training to the next level. Thanks to my driving force and will to fight, did I progress surprisingly well and quick! My rehab team said that they had never seen this fast and well progress with an injury like mine. WHICH of course made me superhappy and even more motivated to continue that way. TEACH THE BODY TO WALK AND RUN It was a lot of training in the swimming pool, cause it is less impact on the body and I couldn't risk to fall and hurt my neck and the nerves... During my time at the clinic I was often dreaming about being able to run again. But I had no idea how my body would cope with it, cause just laying in bed was hurting. I still remember the day when I for the first time I was allowed to run on the T'mill . it was only 10 seconds, but for me it was probably some of the best 10 seconds in my life.... I was the happiest girl on the plannet. The physio looked at me and said, "tomorrow are you allowed to try 20 seconds! " BABY steps, but I was happy for all the steps in the right direction. After loosing almost 8 kg in the hospital bed, all my muscles were gone and I was pretty flexible cause no muscles were stopping my legs.... (on this picture I had actually gained weight already, but as you can see were I still superskinny... :( ) a plank, a push up.... something I could do hundereds of, almost in my sleep before the accident.... "How can it be so freaking tough??? What's wrong with you? Come on how hard can it be? You are worthless, are you not even able to do ONE push-ups? "

Yes I needed to deal with a lot of patronizing thoughts and bogeys (brain ghosts) during this period of my life. It was a roler coaster.... with lots of ups and downs. One second was I the happiest girl on the planet and just SO thankful to be alive (most of the times), but the next second cound I almost feel hopeless... I didn't talk alot about my dark thoughts, cause I was always trying to push them away. "Seriously ELIN wake up?! You are alive, nothing else matters! " But the dark periods was existing, for sure.. and it was really tough to deal with. I just didn't tell anyone. Some of the negative thoughts that came could be like :

"Think about all the hours of training you have put on your sport, all the sacrifices you've done and ALWAYS prioritizing your training... it is ALL waste of time! And what about your big potential to keep improving? You had only just started! And what about your dream of becoming the European and World Champion? It is all gone!! What are you going to do now? Without your sport, you're NOTHING. Why even keep doing the rehab? You're worthless. "

I was pretty good at pushing all the negative thoughts away. I wanted to PROVE everyone who were doubting (even my own negative thoughts) that they were WRONG and in my head was I working towards becoming the European and World Champion in my Sport. (something I believe helped me to recover so quick!) I was kind of living in a " dreaming world and bubble during my time at the clinic...". I seriously thought I would get back to my sport.

It was not until a couple of months later when I tried to sit on a horse for the first time, I finally realized that I wouldn't be able to get back to my sport... the pain after just sitting is one of the worst I've ever felt. "How would I ever be able to do handstands and backflips on a running horse again, if just sitting is this painful?" YES, after this insight, I ended up with a real depression.... but that's a totally different part of my story. At the rehab center was I still positive and living in my bubble with the belief of getting back to my sport. First time I did a handstand......something I had been working so hard towards, coun ting the days, dreaming about how wonderful it would be..... It was even the first respond I gave the doctor who told me I had broken my neck. "When will I be able to do a handstand again?"

When this day finally came I thought it would be the best day of my life BUT, It was one of the most dissapointed moments ever. The pain was insane ... do you think I told the physio? Of course not. I hold my tears back, just so they would let me do it again. It did get better, but I was starting to worry about my future and my elite life. .... Was everyone who was telling me that I wouldn't be able to do a comeback, were they right? and all the negative thoughts I had pushed away during my time at the clinic started to come more often. and eventually one of the darkest periods of my life started. This is me not too long ago, doing a one arm handstand... something that almost felt impossible a couple of years ago.

I just want to say that even if it feels impossible, it's not. More about my story will come. this is just a tiny part of it. Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday